The Freedom That Comes from Core Family Values

The other day I was at a friend’s birthday party when I was asked by a Christian lady, “How do you balance all your children’s extracurricular activities and family time?”  A few years ago, this question would have sent me into a mental spiral making me question the choices I had made for my children.  Were my children being exposed to the right sports?  Am I a bad parent because I was not providing music lessons?  Were my children suffering from one-sided development because we had chosen to put them in private school, not leaving much money for any extracurricular activities at times?

Several years ago, my husband Rene brought home a challenge to create a list of core values that we felt would communicate what our family was about, the things most important to our particular family.  When he first laid out this challenge, I thought it would be fairly easy, but as we started the project, I realized it was much harder than I expected.  What I did not realize at the beginning was this list is not just a list of values the Bible says are good.  This is a list that took into account the gifts the Lord has blessed us with, who we are as Christians, spouses, and parents.  It really required me to zone in on those areas that I wanted to pass on to my children.  The fact of the matter is we cannot be good at everything, even though the world tells us we need to be the best at everything and strive for a perfectly shaped life.  I call it the myth of necessary well-roundedness.  Of course, the world has its way of describing a well-rounded family, and the Christian family uses the same basic principles with its own spin.  I was shocked and relieved to discover: we can’t do it all.  We cannot be a family that gets every award in Awana, goes on mission trips every year, is active in our community, takes music lessons, plays sports, does well in school, has quality family time, maintains strong friendships, has family devotions, eats healthy, and exercises regularly (outside of the sports, of course).  Even though all of these individual things are good, believing I have to be able to raise well-rounded children from both the world’s perspective and the church’s perspective only makes me feel completely inadequate and ultimately defeated.  This is not what our Lord wants from me or my family.      

Through the process of creating core values, we had to face some hard realities.  We had to come up with a list that would obviously match our priorities or stare at us from its place of display on the refrigerator calling us liars.  We could not say that we value quality time as a family, if we were allowing each of our children to be involved in multiple activities every week so we were always running from here to there.  But who wants to say, “We value lots of time transporting children around the city and dinner on the go.”  With every core value we wrote I had to ask myself, “Does my time and my checkbook agree that this is a priority for our family?”   I had to let go of some unrealistic expectations I had on who my children would be.  By letting go of those unrealistic expectations on them, I was also letting go of unrealistic expectations on myself.  I do not have to be the perfectly well-rounded parent; I just had to do a few things well for His glory. 

Together, Rene and I created a list of what was most important to us.  Something we could look at when making decisions for our family and be reminded.  This is not the kind of list you can pick up on a plaque at Lifeway.  This is a list unique to the Gomez house.  It communicates who God has made us and the areas we are going to pursue as we teach and guide our children.  It reminds us to set boundaries and goals.  It helps us remember we are blessed because He has chosen to put us in a family together.

When I was asked about my kids and balancing our time, I was able to answer the question with confidence.  We participate in extracurricular activities when our schedule and checkbook allow.  We only allow extracurricular activities to enter our schedule for a season.  Our goal is not to raise well-rounded children but to raise children who enjoy a peaceful lifestyle and spending time together as a family.  We don’t think it’s bad to have well-rounded children, but it’s not a priority in the Gomez house.

This is the first of a series on Core Family Values and the freedom they bring.  Throughout 2014, Julie will share in more detail the Gomez Family strategy that will help your family see how you can develop your own family values.

-Julie Gomez

Julie is the wife of our Youth Pastor, Rene Gomez, and mother to Josiah, Lily, and Charlotte.  She is also a CPA and finds herself balancing life at home, work, and church between January 1 – April 15.